A genetic expert has announced groundbreaking research that outlines the DNA that determines the key awe-inspiring attributes of human development. The research is expected to revolutionise the lives of thousands of people.
Professor Yur Awesum is a senior genetic researcher at the Tufts Medical Centre and presented his research at the Harvard Medical School today. In his comments Prof. Awesum said:
“Our research has determined that a particular part of the 21st chromosome contains DNA that determines positive human attributes such as joyousness, unconditional love, compassion, Presence and a general “coolness” about accepting life as it is.
What is particularly interesting about this research is that there are certain people who have additional 21st chromosomes who appear to have a greater abundance of these positive attributes. Paradoxically, they also seem to have an absence of negative attributes such as being judgemental or showing any degree of malice”.
“Research also indicates that having an awesome person in your life is a deeply enriching experience that is pretty awesome”.
As these additional awe-inspiring attributes appear to be symptomatic of the people with extra 21st chromosomes, researchers have decided to call such a condition Awesome syndrome after Prof. Yur Awesum. Doctors have agreed universally to refer to people gifted with additional 21st chromosomes as “Awesomes”.
Prof. Awesum also outlined that Awesomes have some unique physical traits:
“We have observed that Awesomes have stunning almond shaped eyes. It is often said that the eye is the gateway to the soul, and Awesomes have the most amazing eyes. How cool is that?”
Awesum noted that Awesome syndrome was a natural part of the human condition and historically has been recognised as a phenomenally good thing to have:
“We know from our research that the Olmec culture worshiped Awesomes as early as 1500 BCE.”
“Angels with Awesome syndrome are depicted in a 1515 rendition of the Adoration of the Christ Child. It doesn’t get any cooler than that”.
The discovery has perfect timing according to Prof. Awesum:
“In recent times being Awesome has been seen as un-cool by many in my profession”.
It is understood that Awesum was particularly disappointed with recent comments made by fellow Tufts genetic researcher Diana Bianchi, who has been quoted as saying:
“Being Awesome is a disappointment”.
Yur Awesum is believed to have said in response to Bianchi:
“If your Awesome, you are awesome. That is it. How can being awesome be disappointing? It makes no sense, what is that all about?”
Prof. Awesum indicated that genetic advances made it possible to identify whether someone would be Awesome before they were born and that this opened up interesting possibilities:
“Some parents may want to know their child is going to be Awesome. For some this will give them plenty of time to save some money and arrange an extra special welcoming party for the birth”.
He also noted that:
“When parents learn that their child will be Awesome, they are often overcome with such elation that they can lose focus on practical day-to-day matters. 7 months may give some parents enough time to overcome their initial elation to a degree that they can return to basic functions such as preparing a cot and painting the baby’s room”.
“Other parents may still be so spaced-out with joy that they made need additional support with simple tasks like changing nappies”.
Prof. Awesum did caution however, that knowing in advance that your child will be Awesome does carry some challenges:
“Unfortunately, to be sure that your child will be Awesome before they are born, we need to stick a big needle into your tummy. Sometimes we jab your baby by mistake and you may lose them’.
“Losing something that is Awesome would be dissapointing”.
When asked how his discovery may impact on attitudes towards normal people, Yur Awesum said:
“Normal is a setting on a washing machine. People aren’t washing machines”
“Look, at the end of the day, we need to be careful that parents with normal children are not disappointed. Being normal isn’t a big thing. We just need to learn to accept things as they are. It is what it is”.
Awesum concluded his presentation with the reflection:
“We have always known there are Awesomes, but now we can trace the cause through their DNA. We must be careful though to recognise that all humans have dignity, simply by being human, not just those who are particularly awesome”.
In is understood that Prof. Yur Awesome will be honoured with the Havard award for service to humanity for his ground breaking discovery.